Every Heart

Drinking has become my solitude. It's when I drink that I can let my self go and pretend for a while that nothing is real. I don't really know what's going on anymore. But I wish it would end. I feel like I no longer belong here and that I'm not even in control of my body. I think someone else is here, talking, acting like nothing wrong, but it's not me. I don't want to be fixed. People say that I need help but I'm fine being like this, it's become my EVERYTHING. Don't try and fix me. I am broken and there's no-one that can help me anymore.
I've
 Descended
   to
the
Darkest
     Depths
 And I
Can
 No
  Longer
See
   the
   Light.
There is no escape for me. I'm in it's grasp and IT will not let me go. I've committed sins, far too many. 
 

Fuck Me

Last night was soo crazy. I never thought in a million years would something like that would happen to me. Here goes- A long time friend and I were chilling at her house and her mom or her moms girlfriend were not home (they went out to eat at a steakhouse about 5 miles away) and would not be back for a good 30 mins to an hour so she says you know we can take *Jenny (her moms girlfriend) truck (we've takin it once before) to go to this yogurt place about 2 miles away from her house. I'm like no you don't even have your permit or license (she was like 6 month's away from getting her permit), you can get caught by your mom or maybe the police, it's a really bad idea and she just kept saying lets do it. So I said okay, even though that was a very stupid thing to do. So we get to the yogurt place and are hurrying our asses up to get back before her mom. After we're done in there we start driving and are at an intersection when she try's to gun it before this car (which had the right away) comes straight while we're turning and all of a sudden the car slams into the bed/side of the truck (the other car was an older type Jeep) while we're in mid turn. Everything goes flying, my arm was smashed against the car door and I almost feel off the seat. There was a lot of cars out and it was already dark outside (about 9 at night). So she starts freaking out, has to call her mom and tell her. Everyone ended up being alright (there was 4 people in the Jeep). And the cars are both royaly fucked up (un-drivable). Her mom is fucking pissed beyond belief, and the cops show up (her mom and Jenny are already on their way) ask my friend if she has the cars paper work, insurance, and license. She tells him how old she is and he just doesn't say anything and is kinda baffled, so my friend says my moms on the phone and is one her way. My friends bitch mom said we were never aloud to hang out again (she said this over the phone, cause they weren't there yet). *Abby, my friend, had to fill out all this paperwork, her mom wouldn't talk to her, and stayed in the car, only talking to the police when necessary. I had to call my mom to come pick me up and she was OK, not that mad. The cops told Abby that she had court on July 19th or it was July 15th or it might've been in June? She also can't get her licence till she's 21 and has two tickets one for the other person having the right away and another for stealing a vehicle (the car was under Jenny's name only). She starts crying and my mom get there hugs me and Abby and I don't want to leave Abby because she's so upset and scared of everything specially her mom and Jenny. But we have to leave and I felt so bad for what her mom was gonna do to her. Her mom was a fucking bitch cunt to my mom even though it was HER kid that got us into the accident and wanted to take the truck (but I take blame to cause I should've never agreed to it) and just said no) AND this is the real kicker right her mom and Jenny were drunk about two week ago and they wanted more alcohol so they all got into her moms Hummer and let Abby drive to the liquor store that's about two miles or so away (it was also at about 3 or so in the afternoon, so it was pretty bright outside), because they were drunk (we were just leaving the liquor store parking lot cause my mom was getting some vodka, so we seen everything, even my older sister and brother and mom seen her mom drunk of her ass coming out of the liquor store with three big bottles of wine). Abby even told me that very day what her mom and Jenny let her do... The whole situations just really fucked up. And I hope Abby is okay!
*Name's changed.

Life Sucks

I really fucking hate my life sometimes!!! I think there might be something wrong with me. One minute I can be semi-happy then I'm depressed as fuck! Goddess save me from myself, I've become NOTHING. I don't want to live anymore. I have tried to commit suicide three times now.  Am I so pathetic that the Goddess and God don't even want me? So much fucked up shit has happened to me. I gotta get some sleep for school... WHICH I HATE TO DEATH!!!!!

Not everything is as it seems

My life is like a black hole pretty from a distance but if you get to close it grabs hold of you and swallows you up.  I guess it's not always like that, some of the time its alright but even if it is OK, but i still have that nagging feeling somethings wrong or about to go wrong. I wonder is it just me? Or does every other person also have things and secrets to hide like I?